Forgiving yourself is one of the best steps to a better you. If you’re grappling with guilt, it’s important to remember that you did the best you could with the resources available at the time. Your understanding of yourself and past situations has likely evolved.
“It’s time to forgive yourself for not knowing what you know now,” says Wayne Pernell, a clinical psychologist and author. “Forgive yourself for not speaking up as you might have replayed the conversation in your head over the years.”
Growth and time offer perspectives you may not have had when the mistake occurred, indicating that you’ve already learned valuable lessons. Feeling afraid and guilty is natural, as these emotions help you realize how past mistakes could have been handled differently, enabling you to use this insight for future situations.
Here are six practical steps to help you forgive yourself and move forward:
1. Accept Guilt as an Emotion
Guilt is a natural human emotion, essential for understanding the impact of our actions. According to Albert Nguyen, a clinical social worker, guilt helps us be empathetic and informs us about our emotional state. Research from 2018 shows that accepting, rather than judging, negative emotions like guilt contributes to better psychological well-being. Letting guilt flow without dwelling on it can help you process and move past it more effectively.
2. Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a loved one. Taylor Kinman, a licensed professional counselor, emphasizes that self-compassion is crucial for mental health. To cultivate self-compassion:
- Reassess and adjust negative self-talk
- Journal about your emotions and past mistakes
- Engage in self-care activities
- Offer yourself encouragement and remind yourself of your efforts
3. Allow the Emotional Wound to Heal
Just as physical wounds need time to heal, emotional wounds also require patience. Nguyen suggests examining behaviors that trigger guilt without judgment. View these actions separately from your identity to avoid self-criticism. For example, instead of labeling yourself as a “bad friend,” focus on specific behaviors like “raising my voice” and consider how to handle similar situations differently in the future.
4. Consider the Opposite Perspective
Guilt can make you assume that the other party involved is fixated on the incident as much as you are. Remind yourself that they may not be as affected as you think, which can help alleviate guilt, according to Pernell.
5. Ask for Forgiveness
Seeking forgiveness from those you’ve hurt can be challenging but is essential for self-forgiveness. Nguyen highlights that avoidance often accompanies guilt, leading to self-punishment instead of resolving the issue. Apologize sincerely and make amends to help yourself forgive.
6. Seek an Immediate Boost
Overwhelmed by guilt? Taking a shower or bath can provide a temporary respite from these feelings. Research from 2011 suggests that cleansing yourself can diminish guilt and offer a new perspective on the situation.
Steps to Accept Responsibility and Move On
Nguyen advises acknowledging that actions often come with consequences. To effectively forgive yourself, you should:
- Own your role in the situation by verbalizing or writing it out
- Seek forgiveness from those involved
- Accept and be willing to face any consequences
- Learn from past mistakes to handle similar situations better in the future
Why Self-Forgiveness Can Be Difficult
Challenges such as low self-esteem, self-criticism, or a background of criticism can hinder self-forgiveness. Conditions like impostor syndrome, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), or depression can also contribute to difficulties in forgiving oneself. Unresolved guilt can lead to harmful behaviors like self-shaming, self-sabotage, substance use, or impulsivity.
By implementing these steps and understanding the roots of self-forgiveness challenges, you can work towards healing and a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
